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too hard to leave

I'm sitting on the back porch this morning. It's about 60F and the sun rising on my right has been lovely. Birds are having a hay day with this morning and I'm feeling it too. It's at this moment that I feel dread about returning to Chengdu. Uhgg.

In my mind and in my heart, China is what I call home. It seems like it should be because that's where my bed is and most of my clothes. That's where I spend most of my time. It's the currency that I've been converting US dollars in to while here to figure out money's true value. It's where Phil and I have spent the majority of our married lives. It's where Lily was born. But as I sit here this morning and as we played at the park yesterday I felt and I feel like this is home. This is where I understand small talk and where everyone knows that apple pie is something to smile about. I don't have to explain why the smell of someone grilling makes people feel content and happy. This is where I fit in and that feels really good.

The good thing is that if someone told me today that we couldn't go back I wouldn't be happy. Simply because I feel like that's where we're supposed to be. And life isn't supposed to be about seeing every beautiful sunrise or hearing the birds every morning. It's about being where we should be and becoming who we should be.

So, Father, thanks for a good sunrise and this precious time and let me be thankful for where I'm at because that's what you want.

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