I've been thinking about my blog and wanting to write something for awhile now. Maybe its because its the end of the year and I'm thinking back some on all that this year has held.
It's impossible not to think of my MS diagnosis. How the year had barely begun and we were running around Chengdu and then Hong Kong looking for answers. The testing in Hong Kong was such a low point. It was the lowest point by far. I remember after the spinal tap I was lying perfectly still and thinking over and over, "This can't be me. This can't be me." And yet it was. The reality of that was just horrible.
Then it was to America. It was strange to be so excited about going to America when the reasoning was so tragic. Yet, we were all very excited and it was really a highlight of the year. I loved the food and the air. I loved seeing Madeleine love the front and backyard. We took strolls in the evenings and Sheryl cooked all our meals. I had time to reflect and pray. Phil and I spent a lot of time evaluating our lives as a couple, as parents and as children of God. It was a turning point for us in a way, maturing for each of us.
On returning to Chengdu, the weeks had their good and bad points. I had times of fearing every little ache and feeling was a MS attack. I struggled with who I was and what I could do. I had so much in common with all the other foreign moms around me before but I suddenly had a disease and none of them had it too. Before I could relate to almost everything they could. Now, I had this thing that made me different.
There are three things that stand out in my mind as gifts from God during this year. They all three showed me God's incredible concern for me. The 1st was the Beth Moore study on Esther. I was doing that study with several other foreign ladies back in January. As my eye got worse and all the questions and fears began to fall on me, that study began to speak to me and comfort my heart like Christ was sitting right beside me, staring in to my eyes, holding my hands and speaking.
If you haven't heard me talk about my friend Cherice, you are in the minority. I met Cherice the week we got back from Hong Kong. Her and her family had just arrived in Chengdu. There was a connection between us immediately. Now, I clearly see that it was the Holy Spirit. We both needed each other. She asked questions and listened to my struggles. She shared her heart and I saw a friend I could totally trust. This year has been huge for both of us in different ways. She was like Christ staring in to my eyes, crying with me and making me laugh.
I had been given a copy of Come Away My Beloved last year sometime. Often in my life I have found that God uses studies or books at a pivotal point for me. They will mean nothing to me until some particular day when I open it again and its like the words slap me around and knock me over in astonishment. Come Away My Beloved was one such book. I am not exaggerating when I say that when I was at my darkest and most fearful point, every time I read a passage I would weep with relief as I saw that God totally cared and totally knew right where I was. And for awhile I had to keep telling myself that God did care and that he was there, so this book was a lot like a life preserver that I just had to have or I might have slipped away.
And now its the 23rd of December. MS is no longer the main theme of my thoughts. However, I'm not sure if I ever forget about it. I do things every day to keep it under control so it's always there. But now its not dominant and now I squelch those fears as soon as they began to show signs of wanting to surface. I am beginning to accept my limitations and I still feel like me.
Every single Christmas I love our tree. This year is no exception. I love how our house feels and how I have my parents coming tonight. I love that my Phil has me completely baffled as to why I have Christmas gifts wrapped in the freezer and refrigerator. I love what God has done, his birth, his death and his life.
Merry Christmas