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office sitting

The girls and I are back at the office for a few days and nights. We may be here until we go back to Xi'an. Depends on when my folks return...no need for us all to share a room again when we could be at Dave's house. Dad and Mom are back in Wuhan waiting for their visas to be renewed.

So hard sharing a room with Madeleine and Lilian. One or the other is doable but last night I had one girl on either side of the bed - not in the bed but Maddie was on a pallet and Lilian in her portable cradle. Everything went okay until about 5am when Lilian let out a sharp cry waking both Maddie and me. Maddie started crying and so was Lilian and it took all I had not to join in with them. But we all settled down and got another hour and half sleep before the day officially began.

Phil's out of town again. 5 nights this time. The days I can handle fine but the evenings are a pain when we're here at the office. It's a vicious cycle if and when one of them starts crying. There are often others here and so taking Lilian out of the room is tough. It's usually noisy, bright and busy in the main room so that's no good for settling a kid. Plus, I usually have 2 or 3 overally helpful people asking questions or giving advice concerning why Lilian is crying (this does not refer to you, Dad and Mom) when volunteers are here. This is annoying to no end. And an annoyed mom is no good for settling a kid, either.

So, thankfully this week is a low-key one here at the office and for the first half we'll have it mainly to ourselves. After that we'll just have to deal with it for a few more days until we get home.

At times I feel like a big fat wimp. I'm really just being a stay-at-home mom with a husband that travels. There are lots of woman who do that. But when you throw in the living arrangements we have now...well, then I feel better and less of a wimp. But I think the biggest struggle I've had during this month is fighting the idea and feeling that I'm a loser as a mom and wife. I'm not one to share such personal details on such an impersonal form of communication so I'll just leave it at that.

When I do become a full-time stay at homer I know I need several things: an elevator - Dave's apartment is on the 5th floor with no elevator, absolutely crazy with 2 kids and all their junk. A routine - we need play groups and kindergarten and swimming lessons and NAPS to keep us all entertained. We need friends. Right now Madeleine has no one to play with and I have no Mom to just sit with while the kids destroy their room.

I honestly don't know how a single mom with a kid or two does it day in and day out. In the past I worked with single moms and several of them had 2 or 3 kids. I now totally respect those woman and I totally understand why their kids ran around like zoo animals yelling the F* word. Oh, and that whole, "Don't let the TV be a babysitter" thing is beyond ridiculous. If you have a TV and you have a kid...you've done it.

Okay. I feel better.

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