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rainy saturday in china

A 6th tooth is popping through. I'm not sure when I'll wise up and begin to associate Maddie's really fussy days with a new tooth. A couple days ago she was super cranky, clingy, feverish, had a bit of a runny nose, and didn't want to eat. A more experienced parent would say, "Yep, she's teething." I just complained about how fussy she was. Then that evening I decided to look at her gums and there it was, the 6th tooth just coming through the skin. I think I've done this with every single tooth. Maybe I've learned. We'll see when the 7th starts...wait, maybe it already has.

Last night a strong wind brought in cooler weather and rain. I went for a run and enjoyed the breeze in my face. Last night was also a night to celebrate Mid-Autumn Day. So there was a huge fireworks show down the river. I was able to watch from one particular apartment complex that sits on top of a parking garage so it's higher than the rest of the complex. A cute old couple was sitting on their 2nd story balcony watching too. It was just the 3 of us.

It was an odd feeling watching the show. The fireworks were amazing. Tons of them and really unique. I would have really had a good view just across the street but that would have meant leaving the complex grounds and standing with the other 6 million watching.

There are so many reasons for not doing that but a few are:
--I was dressed in running clothes which is fine for me to do if I'm running but looks really odd for a woman to dress that way for just being out
--I was alone - I would have still been alone even among the 6 million outside the complex
--I'm foreign - which means I don't blend in.

So, I had this odd feeling of being really, really alone.

I was watching fireworks for a holiday I don't really understand, in a country were I don't fit in. I was really amazed by the show and wanted to be invited into one of the apartments with other people being amazed or just sit with that old couple and know that we were seeing the same thing no matter what our lives were like or how we were different. I felt like I was outside of this really amazing party looking in through a window and knowing that even if I did get invited in I'd never be like those people. I guess I justed wanted to feel "us" instead of "them and me".

I think that sums up a lot of the difficulties of living in China. I wonder if someday I'll have times when I forget that I'm different. There are days now that I have a moment when I don't see those around me as Chinese. I just see them as people. But most days I see a Chinese person, not just a person. They look at me and see a foreign person, not just a person.

Maddie's nap is over, so so is this blog.

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